Today, I am going to talk about how to not regret. This is important to many of us, since we spend lots of time regretting our past, suffering about the future, and blaming our current selves.

The answer to this is quite straightforward: Do your best in the given situation. I know, it sounds predictable and perhaps a bit cliché, but please, keep reading. You think you’ve failed and lost too many good chances? It doesn’t matter; the answer remains the same: Do your best in the given situation.

I believe this is the one and only way to overcome regret and keep moving forward.

Regretting is more like a natural, instant response than an intentional thought, similar to emotions like anger or anxiety. But the rational solution to it is clear: Can I change it? Can I do anything with that past?

Or, is there anything better I can do than regretting?

Whether you regret or not, most of the time you are going to do something about the situation afterward. For example, if you failed a test and cannot graduate because of it, you will need to study for it again to graduate. Or perhaps you don’t have opportunities to pursue your dream due to certain circumstances. Whatever the situation, constant regret typically doesn’t change it or give you any advantage. Instead, we just experience additional resentment and all those negative thoughts and emotions we don’t need to feel. There’s hardly any gain from it, only surplus suffering and pain.

A recent speech from Ilya was inspiring:

I will offer one bit of a useful state of mind, which if one adopts it, makes everything much easier, which is to accept reality as it is, and to try not to regret the past and try to improve the situation. And the reason I say it is because it’s so hard to adopt it. It’s so easy to think, like some bad past decision or bad stroke of luck, something happened, something is unfair.

And you can just spend, it’s so easy to spend so much time thinking like this, while it’s just so much better and more productive to say, okay, things are the way they are. What’s the next best step? And I find that whenever I do this myself, everything works out so much better, but it’s hard. It’s hard, it’s a constant struggle with one’s emotion, and that’s why I mention it to you. Perhaps some of you will adopt it yourself. This is a reminder to adopt this mindset. As best as one can, and also a reminder for myself, constant struggle.

Yes, all we can do is to try our best and make the most out of our given situation, and that’s enough.

While it sounds cliché, doing one’s best in the given situation still seems so underrated in practice. Just do it.


Also, in a similar context, it is not fair to compare yourself:

Sometimes, it feels like everyone else seems to live a normal life and you’re the only one feeling like a loser. We often stumble into a trap, asking: “Why only me?” The funny thing is that most people in the world ask this same question. Everyone’s got their own mess. Everyone’s dealing with something you can’t see. Everyone looks at their imperfections; in most cases, it’s only us who know how imperfect and flawed we truly are.

One other thing that I think is helpful for the psychology of it is many times people compare themselves to others in the area. I think this is very harmful. Only compare yourself to you from some time ago, like say a year ago. Are you better than you were a year ago? This is the only way to think. And I think, then you can see your progress, and it’s very motivating.

Andrej Karpathy from the Lex Fridman Podcast

We usually compare people who we feel are in the same group, most commonly by sex and age (this “comparison” may be stronger in Korea because of our specific culture). I am not sure if this is a universal thing, but at least in Korea, we have these invisible timelines for everything to be “normal”:

  • Need to have a car at age X
  • Need to have a house at age Y
  • Need to have at least a certain amount of money/assets at age Z

But life’s not like that. There are so many circumstances and so many things that are decided by environment, personality, and luck. There are so many perspectives and dimensions in life that cannot be captured or defined by wealth and fame. Reading Taleb’s Incerto Series deepened my ideas about this.

I have concluded everyone has their own burden, and their burdens are all different. And of course, besides the burdens, I have made (and still make) some stupid mistakes, waste time, etc., but that’s all part of the journey that cannot be rewritten. The answer still doesn’t change; the only option left for most cases is actually simple:

Do what you think is the best for you right now. Give all you’ve got!

That, I believe, is the one true and healthy way to deal with life and regret. Hope this post helps someone who is struggling.